Except for a few years at the beginning of her PTSD, Debbie and I have always had two incomes and a shared bank account.
In the early years of our marriage, both incomes were required to pay all the bills. But as time passed and I more than doubled my corporate income, things shifted to where my salary covered all of our living expenses while Deb’s business income ended up being used to pay for business expenses and travel.
Then I left corporate to pursue entrepreneurship.
And Deb took over paying most-to-all of the bills while we built my company.
Still… two incomes, one shared bank account.
To me, everything was the same.
Until talking to Debbie recently when she finally confided in me how hard being the primary breadwinner felt to her.
To her, the role of her money had shifted. No longer was it the “extra” that we could use for travel and investing in our businesses. Now it was the main money that needed to go to “responsible” things like paying the mortgage or making sure we had food on the table.
Money was no longer fun.
This shift in how she viewed money’s role shifted her behavior.
She told me how she had stopped getting pedicures, massages, jewelry, and even books. It didn’t feel right when that money needed to be used for bills.
She also told me she’d been feeling resentful of the cost of me playing hockey and taking up playing the guitar.
There was no reason to stop using some of our money to enjoy niceties, yet the expectation she placed on money prevented her from doing so.
When I called her out on it, asking her why the money couldn’t be for both fun and necessities, she replied, “I don’t know. I can see that it doesn’t make sense, but the role my money has is to be ‘responsible money’ so I don’t feel like I have enough to have fun.”
From my perspective, her old story of “OR” is running the show. She can have this OR that. She can be responsible OR have fun. But she can’t have both.
She has relegated Money to one role instead of seeing it in the bigger picture.
We do this with people too, labeling them based on a role they fulfill and then boxing them into that one thing.
I know you’ve heard people say, “I’m just a [fill in the blank].”
→ I’m just a bookkeeper.
→ I’m just a mom.
→ I’m just a coach.
As if that one role is the beginning and end of who they are.
Same goes for money.
Like Deb, we can label our money as “use for paying bills” and accidentally limit it so we can’t also use it for fun or extra experiences.
We can label it “fun money” and then get resentful if our partners want to use it to pay off a credit card or lower debt.
We can give it the role of “savings” and then hoard it, feeling sick if we need to use it for an unexpected opportunity or expense.
The truth? Money is all of the above.
It’s time to reevaluate the label we’ve put on our money and give it a different role.
Here’s the 3-2-1 on the roles we give to our money.
3 TRUTHS
- If we’re not careful, we can end up assigning our money one specific role, which limits its potential. (This is different than allocating money for different uses. We can send money to savings without labeling our earnings as “savings money” or we can purchase a trip or our family without labeling our income as “just the fun money.”)
- When we know the role we have given to our money, we can work to replace it with a new, more comprehensive perspective.
- Beyond the limited role we’ve given money are endless possibilities. But we won’t be able to see them, let alone pursue them, if we keep money confined to the proverbial box.
2 ACTIONS
- Be present with how you see and use money over the next week. Notice and track your emotional reactions. What happened to cause you to feel that way?
- Use your money in a role you haven’t allowed it to be in before. (That can look like buying something “fun” or moving some cash to savings. You decide.)
1 QUESTION
- What role have I given my money? (Is it the responsible money and if it doesn’t show up I can’t pay my bills? Is it the fun money but if it doesn’t come in I can’t have fun? Is it the protector and if it can’t protect me does that mean it harms me instead?)
This money conversation continues on YouTube. Check out What Expectations Do You Have for Your Money to join the discussion and make sure to subscribe while you’re there.
To your impact and legacy,
